Forrest Gump dies and shows up at the pearly gates. St. Peter approaches him and says, "Hello, I'm Saint Peter, but you can call me Pete."
Forrest says, "My name is Forrest Gump, but you can call me Forrest Gump."

Peter says, "Well, Forrest Gump. Before I let you in, you must be able to answer two questions."

Forrest says, "Well, okay, Pete."

Peter says, "First, how many seconds are there in a year?"

Forrest thinks for a few minutes, then says, "I do believe that there are twelve seconds in a year."

Peter says, "Twelve?"

Forrest says, "Why, yes. There's January second, February second, March second..."

Peter says, "Okay, I'll give you that. For the next question, what is God's name?"

Forrest thinks for a moment, then says, "Why, I do believe His name is Howard."

Peter says, "Howard? Where do you get that?"

Forrest says, "Why, from the Lord's Prayer. You know...our Father...who art in Heaven...Howard be thy name..."

Pari : What's your problem son?

Man : I'm depressed, My son is an addict, My daughter is a prosti, My wife is a gambler...

Pari : Is there anything positive in your life?

Man : "Yes Father, my AIDS test!!!

************************************************************

Guys are like buses...if you miss that one, another will be along soon.

Girls are like cellphones...they like to be held and talked to, but press the wrong buttoned you're disconnected.

************************************************************
Jinggoy : Daddy anong spelling ng saksesful? single ba o double "s"?

Erap : tatlohin mo para sigurado.

in a coffee shop:

Erap : A..miss one coffee please.

Waitres : Decaf Sir?

Erap : Op kors! Debaso is too big and too much for me!




wahahahaha.. wasak!

IF YOUR HUSBAND IS A COMPUTER EXPERT

Husband: (came home late from office)Hello honey now I'm logged in."
Wife: "Did you bring the gift that i want?"
Husband: "Bad command or filename."
Wife: "But I already asked you this morning!"
Husband: "Errorneous syntax. Abort?"
Wife: "Then,how about buy new television?"
Husband: "Variable not found..."
Wife: "OK , I want your credit card,I'll shop by myself."
Husband: "Sharing Violation. Access denied..."
Wife: "do you love me better than your computer?or you just playing?"
Husband: "Too many parameters..."
Wife: "the worst mistake was I married with Idiot man like you!"
husband: "Data type mismatch."
Wife: "you're useless."
Husband: "It's by Default."
Wife: "how about ur wage?"
husband: "File in use ... Try later."
Wife: "What i am in this family?"
Husband: "Unknown Virus."

Wahh sis jenn
Sukdi vs BSJ ang hirap pumili pareho kong love yun..
Parehong wafu at sexy..
Hmm.. kaaliw joke mo ha.. ahahaha..
I'll give you 100 points..daebak..

Love and Marriage Cycle
1-2 yrs: magkasalo sa plato
3-5 yrs: tig-isang plato
5-7 yrs: nagbabatuhan na ng plato
8-10 yrs: wala na silang plato
That is what we call PLATOnic love!

---

Man: I want to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in six months.
Lawyer: Better think it over. Wives like that are very hard to find!

---

Learning French
City - ce vou
Drug - sha vou
Good bye - va vou
Bald - cal vou
Caught in the act - navo cou
Feathers - valahi vou
Not clear - mala vou
Cute - a cou

---

Katapusan
Lumindol ng malakas noon.... Nagkagulo and lahat at nag-panic.
Sumigaw ang! isang lalake.. "Katapusan na! Katapusan na!"
Sumagot ang isa pang lalake.. "t*nga, a kinse pa lang

wahahaha.,. kaya nga ateh gail..

hirap pumili parehas nating love eh..

pero lam nating pareho..

si sukdi ang numero uno sa tin..

second lang si bsj..


hahahaa...



joke time muna..


pampalipas oras..



stressed ako dito sa office..



hahahahahaa

Applied Mathematics


ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at

More Applied Mathematics


LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but
married men are a lot more willing to die.

MEMORY
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

APPEARANCE
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

COMPREHENSION
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Pasahe

Sa Isang Jeep...

Pasahero: Mama, Magkano Po Yung Pasahe?

Driver: 7.50 Yung Minimum

Pasahero: (Dumukot Ito Sa Bulsa Para Kunin Yung Pera Niya, Ngunit sa Di Sinasadyang Dahilan Kulang Yung Pamasahe Niya.) Patay, Kulang Yung Pera Ko. Paano Kaya Ito? (Nag Isip Ito At Lumingon Sa Driver. Napansin Niya Na Duling Ito. Sabi Niya Sa Kanyang Sarili, Tama Duling Yung Driver Sigurado Pag Nagbigay Ako Ng 3.75 di Niya Mapapansin Na Kulang Yung Pera Ko. Kasi Doble Yung Paningin Nito. Inabot Niya Sa Driver Yung Pera.

Ngunit Laking Gulat Niya Nung May Sinabi Yung Driver Sa Kanya.

Driver: Kulang Ito!

Pasahero: Anong Kulang? Di Ba Sabi Mo 7.50 Yung Minimum?

Driver: Oo Nga 7.50 eh Dalawa Kaya Kayo.

Patay! Akala Mo Lusot Kana ha?




pwaahahahaha.,..! dami ko tawa dito..
hahahahhaa

Isolated Camp

Isang U.S. Major ang na-stationed sa isolated na Kampo sa Iraq. Kinabukasan, habang may ispection, napansin ng Major ang isang camel na nakatali sa likuran ng Barracks. Nagtanong siya sa Sergeant kung bakit may alagang camel sa Kampo.

SGT: Major, dito sa kampo, masyadong malayo ang bayan kaya't kung sinuman ang gustong makatikim ng ligaya, nandito naman ang camel.

Major: Bawal mag alaga ng hayop dito sa Kampo pero kung para sa 'morale' ng mga Troops, it's okey with me.

Makalipas ang anim na buwan, hindi na makatiis ang Major kaya't tinawag ang Sarhento.

Major: Dalhin mo dito sa tent ang camel. Walang nagawa ang Sarhento kaya't dinala ang camel sa loob ng tent. Makalipas ang 15 minutes, lumabas ang Major na nakangiti.

Major: Sergeant, ganito ba ang ginagawa ng mga Troops pag nalulungkot sila?

Sergeant: Hindi po Sir, sinasakyan nila ang camel papunta sa bayan para makahanap ng mga babae!