Ututin na boyfriend

Binibisita ng boyfriend ang kanyang girlfriend. Kumain sila at umupo sa salas.
Marami ang nakain ng bf at kailangan niyang maglabas ng masamang hangin. Ngunit nahihiya siya sa gf niya. Pinigil ng bf ang pag-utot, pero hindi niya na ito nakaya.
PPOOOOOTTTTT!!!!!
Huminto ang bf sa paggalaw. Hiyang0-hiya siya at pulang pula ang mukha. Tiningnan niya ang gf niya.
Walang siya ang gf, pero biglang tinawag ang aso na nasa ilalim ng upuan ng bf.
"Rex, umalis ka nga dyan!"
Pero walang kilos ang aso. Nakahinga ng maluwag ang bf at inisip - "Hay salamat, akala niya yung aso ang umutot!"
Nag-chat sila, ngunit nakaraan ang ilang sandali ay napapa-utot muli ang bf dahil talagang ang dami niyang kinain. Hindi niya ulit ito napigilan.
PPPOOOOOOTTTTT!!!!
Kinabahan ulit ang bf at namula. Muling sinabi ng gf, "Rex, ano ka ba? Umalis ka dyan sabi eh!"
Wala paring kibo ang aso. "Hay salamat sa aso," isip ng bf, "Akala niya ulit yung aso ang umutot."
Nag-chat ulit sila, pero napapa-utot ulit ang bf at hindi niya ito napigilan.
PPPPOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTT!!!!!!
Tumayo ang gf "Rex! Umalis ka dyan baka mataihan ka!!!!"



Ututin na boyfriend (Part 2)

May bagong sports motorcycle si bf. Mabilis niya itong pinapatakbo habang nakayakap sa kanya ang kanyang gf sa likod.
Ngunit eto nga namang si bf, talagang napaka-ututin. Naghanap siya ng mga bato at ipinadaan ang motorsiklo dito, habang siya ay umu-utot.
BUMP! POOT! BUMP! POOTT!!! BUMP!!!!
Walang sinabi ang gf so nakahinga ng maluwag si bf.
Pero nauutot nanaman siya. Naghanap siya ng lubak at ipinadaan ang motorsiklo dito habang umuutot.
SPLASH! POOTT!!! SPLASH!!! POOTT!!!SPLASH!!!
Walang sinabi si gf. Natuwa si bf dahil nakatakas nanaman siya sa matinding hiya.
Pero nauutot nanaman siya. May nakita siyang humps pero malayo pa. Binilisan niya ang takbo ng motorsiklo...
EEEEENNNNGGGGG!!!!! RRRRRRRRR!!!!!
Malapit na.... malapit na.... EEEENNNNGGGG!!!!!!
Ngunit bago niya na-abot ang humps hindi niya na napigilan ang pag-utot.
PPPOOOOOOTTTTT!!!!!!
Sabay sabi ng kanyang gf "Belat! Hindi naabutan!"

gusot-gusot

si lolo hugo at lola maria ay matagal nang hindi nag co contact sexually. Kaya't miss na miss na ni lola maria and intimate relationship nila, hangang isang gabi, para mapansin sya ni lolo hugo ay naghubad si lola maria sa kanilang kwarto (aakitin nya si lolo). Pagpasok ni lolo at napatingin kay lola......sabi ni lolo hugo: ANO KA BA NAMAN MARIA BAKIT GUSOT-GUSOT ANG DAMIT MO?? nGEEEkkkkkkkk




pwahahahaha.. wasak si lola!
hahahaha

Kulula airline attendants
The pinoy jokes are about Kulula Airline which has its head office situated in Johannesburg. Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight “safety lecture” and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, “People, people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

On another flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”

On landing, the stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.”

“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.”

“Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo, a flight attendant on a flight announced, “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”

From a Kulula employee: ” Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”

“In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite.”

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines.”

“Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”

“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses..”

And from the pilot during his welcome message: “Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”

Heard on a Kulula flight. “Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light ‘em, you can smoke ‘em.”at and get in it!”

Praying for 10 Pesos
Sa loob ng simbahan ng Quiapo, isang batang pulubi ang mataimtim na nanalangin sa Diyos.


Pulubi: "Panginoon kung maaari po sana ay bigyan ninyo ako ng sampung piso dahil gutom na gutom na lang po ako."


Narinig sya ng isang pulis na kasalukuyan ding nagsisimba at bumilib sya sa katatagan ng bata sa pananampalataya sa Diyos. Sa kanyang habag ay dumukot sya ng limang piso at iniabot sa bata na ang sabi: "Amang, narinig ng Diyos ang panalangin mo at heto tanggapin mo ang perang ito at ibili mo ng pagkain".


Tumingala ang bata sa pulis, kinuha nya ang limang pisong iniabot at muling yumuko para manalangin: "Panginoon, salamat po sa pagdinig ninyo sa aking panalangin, pero sana naman po sa uli-uli wag na ninyong pararaanin pa sa pulis, kasi malaki na ang bawas".

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xXx

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Liham
DEAR: BULAG

pakisabi kay Bingi na nanalo si Pilay sa takbuhan...

nagmamahal
WALANG KAMAY

noon at ngaun
noon ang mga matatanda bago ikinakasal hinintay muna ang kabilogan ng buwan bago ikinakasal..tapos ang mga bata ngaun hinihintay muna... ang kabilogan ng tiyan bago ikinakasal....

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xXx

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Erap spell!!!
Kausap ni Erap ang Abu sayyaf at nag nenegoiate pra mapalaya ang red cross
Abu sayyaf:papalayain ko ang aming biktima kung maiispell mo ang mississippi
Erap:pwede manila bay nalang hehe

Ngek!!

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xXx

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Tindera
tindira: HOII!kahit nagtitinda lang ako ng juice dito may mga anak ako na nasa UP, UV, UC, USC, USJR ug STC.
student:WOW!anong course nila?
tindira:wala!nagtitinda rin ng juicce..

nyahaha!.

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xXx

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pagalingan sa pagkanta
( 3 magkumpare ang nagmamayabang sa kantahan sa loob ng araneta c. .. )
( paramihan ng puntos sa pamamagitan ng taong tatayo )

singer1 : oohhh yeeess im a great pretender...
( palakpakan... 30 senior citizen ang tumayo )

singer2 : itaktak mo, itaktak mo. itak-itak..itaktak mo....
( palakpakan... 60 kabataan at senior citizen nagsi tayo-an )

singer3 : bayang magiliw perlas ng silanganan...
( tayo lang ng tao sa araneta

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xXx

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Alien?
May nakasabay akong amerikano sa elevator...Parehas kaming pupunta sa ground floor..
May pumasok pang isang pinoy..

Guy#1:Bababa ba?

Ako:Bababa

Amerikano:Are you aliens?

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xXx

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Turtle
Isang Pamilya ang magba2kasyon sana may Baguio ng Lumubog Ang barKo

Nanay: kumapit kaung lahat sakiN wag kaung bibitaw

bumitaw ang anak nitong kuba sa kanya at nahiwalay ito.Pero sa kinasawiang palad Ito lng ang natira sa pamilya nya dahil kinain lahat cla ng pating

Kuba:Pating Kainin mo na rin ako wala nang kwenta 2ng buhay ko dahil kinain mo nang lahat ng kapamilya ko!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wla na riNg say say T____T

Pating: WAG MO KONG LINALANGIN
kuBA:Bk8!!?!!
Pating: turtle Ka!!!!!!!!!!!

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xXx

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nasa amerika na daw
Napansin nung Tiyo na yung kaniyang pamangkin na bagong salta sa America ay umiiyak sa tabi ng kaniyang nakatumbang bisikleta sa tabing daan. Tanong tuloy nung Tiyo, "Hijo, bakit ka umiiyak?"


Sagot nung pamangkin, "Angkol, Angkol..." Madaling kinorek nung Tiyo yung kaniyang pamangkin, "Hijo, ikaw ay nasa America na. Hindi Angkol... Angkel!"


Tinuloy nung pamangkin yung kaniyang kwento, "Angkel, Angkel, I rode my Bysikol..." Madali muling kinorek nung Tiyo yung kaniyang pamangkin, "Hijo, nasa America ka na. hindi Bysikol ang tawag diyan... Bysikel".


Muling tinuloy nung pamangkin yung kaniyang kwento, "Angkel, Angkel, I rode my Bysikel to buy some Papsikol..." Madali na namang kinorek nung Tiyo, "Hijo, hindi Papsikol - Papsikel!"


Tinuloy ulit nung pamangkin yung kaniyang kwento, "Angkel, Angkel, I rode my Bysikel, to buy some Papsikel... en den I pel... now I heb a Bukel..."

HOW WOULD YOU KNOW YOU ARE AT A FILIPINO PARTY?



You're an hour late and there's still nobody there! There’s enough food to feed the Philippines.



You can't even get through the door because there's a pile of 50 shoes blocking the way.



You see a huge fork and spoon on the wall, a framed picture of the Last Supper, a huge Santo Nino,and a barrel man.



They're singing "Peelings" on karaoke.



There's a piano in the living room for decoration.



You are greeted by a Tita Baby and/or a Tito Boy.



The older men are in the garage playing posoy-dos, or poker or 31, the women are in the kitchen gossiping, or are playing mahjong,the other people are in the entertainment room singing karaoke, and the kids are outside the streets running around unsupervised.



There's goat 'pulutan' beeing cooked.



There's a crazy woman with a camera going around the room snapping away and

yelling, "Uy peeeek-chuuur!"



You enter a family party and you "Mano" to half the old crowd and when you leave you have to say goodbye to EVERYONE that's related to you as a sign of respect. You end up saying hello and goodbye for a total of 30-40 minutes.



You know you're at a Filipino party when you hear a male's voice on the karaoke trying to emulate Frank Sinatra's "My Way."



Women are still doing the line dance to "todo todo”



When there's at least one or more with the name : JP,JJ, JT,TJ,DJ,AJ, RJ,LJ, Lingling, Bingbing, Tingting, Dingding, Wengweng, Bongbong, Dongdong etc.



All the old aunties and guests are already wrapping up food to take home.



You have the Pacquiao fight on the illegal cable boxes on the 70" LCD in the movie room,



The 10 yr old 50" CRT in the living room,



The 15 yr old 30" tube in the breakfast nook,



The 20 yr old 15" tube in the kitchen,



The 30 yr old 13" tube in the garage



And the Little portable by the BBQ grill,Because TVs are NEVER retired in a Filipino household, they merely get demoted to whichever room doesn't have a TV yet(hahaha),then it ends up in the balikbayan box to be sent to a relative back home, and it ends up being the main TV at the house again.



The aunties & guests are showing off their "designer" Louis Vuitton and Coach bags that they secretly bought at a swap-meet . .



Someone is always in the kitchen constantly cleaning up, and you're not sure if she's the maid or a relative, so you greet and kiss them on the cheek

anyway.



Relatives/friends will ask you where you work and if it's a retail job or if you work at an amusement park, they'll ask if you can get them a discount.



The lumpia is gone in 5 minutes and they are frying up another batch.



They play achy-breaky heart over and over again.



I like how the religious gatherings at the house turn into an illegal gambling set up by the end of the night !!

Q. What`s the difference among Philippine Presidents Cory, Gloria and Erap?

A. Cory can`t tell a lie
Gloria can`t tell the truth
Erap can`t tell the difference


Son to dying father: Itay, ano po ang gusto
nyo, magpalibing ba o magpa-cremate?
Ama: Ikaw na ang bahala, anak. I-surprise
mo na lang ako.

Pacquiao: Honey, buksan mo na yung
sweets.
Jinky: Nasan honey? Ang lambing mo naman.
May pasalubong ka pa sakin!
Pacquiao: Yung sweets ng ilaw. Ang dilim
kaya!

Host : What "N" (narra) is the
national tree of the Philippines ?
Contestant : Niyog?
Host : Mas matigas pa diyan.
Contestant : (in a strong-sounding voice) NIYOG!!!

Host : Saan "B" (Bagumbayan) binaril si Jose Rizal?
Contestant : Sa back?
Host : O sige, puwede rin na ang simula ay letter "L" (Luneta).
Contestant : Likod?
Host: Hindi pa rin. Para mas madali, "R.P." ang initials ng modern name nito( Rizal Park).
Contestant : Rear Part? (Susme! Likod pa rin yun!)



Host : Saan "B" (beach) tayo madalas pumunta pag summer upang maligo?
Contestant : Banyo?
Host : Hindi, pag pumunta ka
doon, maaarawan ka.
Contestant: Bubong?
Host : Hindi, marami kang makikita duong mga babaeng naka-bikini.
Contestant : Beerhouse!



Host: Anong "L" (Lifeguard) ang tawag sa tao na sumasagip sa iyo pag ikaw aynalulunod?
Contestant : Lifebuoy?
Host: Hindi, pero kahawig nga ng pangalan ng sabon ang pangalan ng ito.
Contestant : Safeguard?
Host :Hindi, pagsamahin mo yung dalawang sagot mo.
Contestant: Safe Buoy?
Host: Hindi siya "boy"
at matipuno nga ang kaniyang katawan.
Contestant : Ah, Mr. Clean!



Host: Anong "S" (Salbabida) ang ginagamit na flotation device sa dagat upang hindi ka malunod?
Contestant : Sirena?
Host : Hindi! Hindi ito babae.
Contestant : Siyokoy?
Host : Hindi ito lalake.
Contestant : Siyoke?



Host: What "S" (Sampaguita) is the national flower of the Philippines ?
Contestant : Sunflower?
Host : Hindi. Binebenta ito sa kalye.
Contestant: Stork?
Host: Hindi. Bulaklak sabi eh.
Contestant : Sitsarong bulaklak?
Host: Hindi pa rin. It ends with a letter "A".
Contestant: Sitsarong bulaklak na may suka?
Host: Oh, para madali, uulitin ko ang clues at dadagdagan ko pa! Anong pangalan ng bulaklak na nagsisimula sa "S", nagtatapos sa letrang "A", at kapangalan ng isang sikat na singer?
Contestant : Si...Sharon Cuneta!



Host : Sino ang kauna-unahang Chess Grandmaster (Eugene Torre) of Asia ?
Contestant : Carole KING?
Host:Hindi, mas mababa sa king.
Contestant : Al QUINN?
Host: Hindi, tagalog ang apelyido niya.
Contestant: Armida Siguion-REYNA?
Host : Hindi pa rin. Mas mababa sa reyna.
Contestant : BISHOP Bacani?
Host : Mas mababa sa bishop.
Contestant :Johnny MidNIGHT ?
Host : Mas mababa sa Knight.
Contestant : Jerry PONS?
Host : Oh, ayan na, nabanggit mo na lahat ng piyesa sa Chess. Yung kahuli-hulihang piyesa na lang.
Contestant : Sylvia laTORRE!



Host : Sino ang national hero na naka-picture sa 500 Peso bill? Clue,may initials na N.A. (Ninoy Aquino)
Contestant: Nora Aunor?
Host : Hindi. Ang pangalan niya ay nage-end sa "Y".
Contestant : Guy Aunor?
Host: Hindi.Dati siyang Senador.
Contestant: Si Former Senator Guy Aunor?
Host: Hindi. Patay na siya.
Contestant : ANO??!! PATAY NA SI NORA AUNOR???!!!



One more dagdag:
Host: What "K" (kalabaw) is the national animal of the Philippines ?
Contestant: Kuto?
Host : Hinde. Clue, it tills the land.
Contestant : Kutong Lupa!

PEDRO

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez,
the son of a Mexican restaurateur,entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who
said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.
Patrick Henry, 1775." Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said,
"Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish
from the earth?"

Again, no response except from Pedro:
"Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed!
Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you
do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher,
"Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little shit. If you say
anything else, I'll kill you!"

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra
Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor,
someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Filipino Applies for a Job at XYX-Mart
>
> An office manager at XYX was given the task of hiring an individual to
> fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found
> four people who were equally qualified a Canadian, a Russian, an
> Australian and a Filipino.
>
> He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.
> Their answer would determine who of them would get the job.
> The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
> interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know?"
> Dave, the Canadian, replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head.
> There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there.
> A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
>
> "That's very good!" replied the interviewer.
>
> "And now you sir?" he asked Vladimir, the Russian.
>
> "Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know
> that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know."
>
> "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a
> very popular cliché for speed."
>
> He then turned to George, the Australian who was contemplating his
> reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on
> the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out
> across the pasture the light in the barn comes on. Yep, TURNING ON A
> LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
>
> The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought
> he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.
>
> Turning to Eleuterio, the Filipino, the fourth and final man, the
> interviewer posed the same question. Eleuterio replied, "Apter herring
> da 3 preybyus ansers sir, et's obyus to me dat the fastest thing is
> Diarrhea."
>
> "WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. The others
> were already giggling in their seats...
>
> "Oh, I can expleyn sir,." said Eleuterio. " You see, sir, da ader day
> my tummy was peeling bad and so I run so fast to the CR, but before
> I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, 'tang ina, sir, I had
> alreydi sh1t in my pants!"
>
> Eleuterio is now the new "Gr

TITSER: who can make a sentence then translate it in
tagalog?
PUPIL: my titser is beautiful, isn't she?
TITSER: very good, translate it in tagalog.
PUPIL: ang guro ko ay maganda, maganda nga ba?


Fw: tawa muna
Kodigo

Nahuling may kodigo ang estudyante...

Guro: Ano 'to?

Estudyante: Prayer ko po, ma'am!

Guro: At bakit answers ang nakasulat?

Estudyante: Naku! Sinagot na ang prayers ko!

Alimasag


Nakaamoy si Ngongo ng pabango sa isang store.

Sabi ni Ngongo, "Ale, mango!"

Sabi naman ng saleslady, "Pabango 'yan, hindi alimango!"

Ulit ni Ngongo, "Ale, mango!"

Nag-agawan si Ngongo at ang saleslady sa pabango. Nahulog ang pabango at nabasag.

Sabi ni Ngongo, "Ale, masag!"
GMA


Dumalaw si GMA sa mental hospital...

Dok: Let's welcome President Arroyo!

Pumalakpak lahat ng pasyente maliban sa isa na nasa sulok...

GMA: O, dok, bakit 'yung isa, hindi pumalakpak?

Dok: Ma'am, magaling na po siya!


Mamili ka

Mister: Anong tanghalian natin?

Misis: Nasa mesa! Bahala ka nang mamili!

Mister: Isang tuyo?! Anong pagpipilian ko?

Misis: Mamili ka... kakain ka o hindi?

Plantsa

Dok: Anong nangyari sa mga tenga mo?

Joshue: Nagpaplantsa kasi ako nang kumiriring ang telepono. Aksidenteng na-pick up ko 'yung plantsa.

Dok: Eh bakit dalawang tenga mo ang nagkaganyan?

Joshue: Ang gago, tumawag uli!


Minsan, sa aking pag-iisa, naalala kita...

Inisip kong nasa tabi lang kita at tayo'y nagsasaya. Tapos, bigla kang umalis.

Nalungkot ako.

Akala ko, iiwan mo na ako. Uutot ka lang pala, tinakot mo pa ako!

PALIMOS


Pulubi: Boss, palimos po.

Tonyo: Iinom ka o magyoyosi?

Pulubi: Wala po akong bisyo.

Tonyo: Okey. Sumama ka sa akin para malaman ng nanay ko ang nangyayari sa taong walang bisyo



ALITAPTAP
Anak: Tatay, hindi ako makatulog, kasi, maraming lamok!

Tatay: Papatayin natin ang ilaw para hindi tayo makita.

(Pagpatay sa ilaw, dumating ang mga alitaptap...)

Anak: Hala ka, Tatay, nagdala sila ng flashlight!

SIOPAO

Kulas: Miss, isa ngang siopao, 'yung babae.

Waitress: Babaeng siopao?

Kulas: Oo. 'Yung may papel na sapin. Kumbaga, napkin.

Waitress: Ahh, ganun po ba? Lalaki po ang nandito.

Kulas: Lalaki?

Waitress: May itlog po sa loob.

Stewardess: Do you want a drink, sir?
Sir: What are my choices?
Stewardess: Yes or No.


Advantage at disadvantage ng may-asawa...
ADVANTAGE: 'Pag kailangan mo, nandiyan agad.
DISADVANTAGE: 'Pag ayaw mo na, andiyan pa rin!


What is the difference between a girlfriend, a call girl and a wife?
Sagot: Post paid, pre paid, unlimited.


Do you know INNER ROW?
What is INNER ROW?
Inner Row is that which comes before Pibrerow, Marsow, Abril, Mayow...


Sa isang classroom...
Titser: Class, what is ETHICS?
Pilo: Etiks are smaller than ducks.


Anak: Itay, nagpapatanong si ma'am kung ano raw ang propesyon mo.
Itay: Sabihin mo, cardiologist.
Anak: Ano po ba ang cardiologist, Itay?
Itay: 'Yung tagaayos ng radio sa car!

Misis: Dok, kumusta ang aking mister?
Dok: Sorry, po. Mula ngayon, ikaw na ang magpapaligo at magpapakain sa kanya, kasi, putol na ang kanyang mga kamay at paa...
Misis: HAH?! HINDI NGA?!
Dok: He! He! He! Ninerbyos kayo, 'no?! Joke lang! Patay na siya!

Lesson:
"The most wasted of all days is that on which one has not laughed.
Laughter releases one's mind from depression and turns it toward goals,
dreams, and triumphs."

O sige, hanggang sa susunod na kabanata....

GF: Hayop ka, niloloko mo ako!
BF: Bakit, wala naman akong ginagawa ah!
GF: Anong wala? Nakita kita kanina, may kasama kang ibang babae,
magkahawak pa kamay nyo! Niloloko mo ako!
BF: Makinig ka muna... hindi kita niloloko, maniwala ka... Yung kasama
ko
kanina ang niloloko ko!

Ifugao: Apply po ako ng sundalo, sir.
Officer: Hindi ka pwede, ang dami mong sirang ngipin, bungi ka pa!
Ifugao: Bakit sir, sa gyera ba ngayon, kagatan na ang labanan?

A lizard fell on a table.
Genius: Oh! reptila scincidae;
Kikay: Eew, lizard!;
Astig: Shit, butiki!;
Mataray: Shucks, butiks!;
Mayaman: Yuck! Lacoste!;
Mahirap: Pare, ulam!

Pedro: Saan ka galing, p're?
Berto: Sementeryo, libing ng byenan ko.
Pedro: Bakit puro kalmot ang mukha at braso mo?
Berto: Mahirap ilibing eh, lumalaban!

Bakit "S" ang nasa costume ni Superman? Wala na kasing medium! Napansin
mo, fit masyado, di ba?

Nanay: Hala, sige, layas! Huwag ka nang bumalik dito sa bahay! Simula
ngayon, huwag mo na akong tawaging nanay at hindi na rin kita tatawaging
anak, naintindihan mo?
Anak: Sige dude, alis na ako.

Boy: Kukunin ko ang mga bituin at ibibigay ko sa iyo!
Girl: Shut up! Hindi mo nga makuha yang kulangot mo, bituin pa!
Boy: Ay sorry, hindi ko alam na ito pala ang gusto mo!

Ice cream ba talaga yung inendorse in Pacquiao sa TV ad nya na Nestle
Ice
Cream? Akala ko kasi, softdrinks. Kasi, sabi nya, "Oh mga bata, Mirinda
na!"

A priest at a church.
Lady: Father, ang gwapo at cute mo naman! Bakit ka pa kasi nagpari?
Priest: Dahil ayaw pumayag ng magulang ko na magmadre ako! Bruha!

Pedro: Alam mo, yung pusa namin, kahit nakalagay sa lamesa at walang
takip
ang ulam namin, hindi kinakain!
Juan: Maniwala ako?!
Pedro: Totoo!
Juan: Ano ba ang ulam nyo?
Pedro: Asin!

Nurse: Miss, gising na!
Patient: Ah, bakit?
Nurse: Oras na ng pag-inom ng gamot.
Patient: Anong gamot?
Nurse: Sleeping pills.

Boy Guwapo + Girl Ganda = Perfect Couple.
Boy Guwapo + Girl Panget = True Love.
Boy Panget + Girl Ganda = Galing Diskarte.
Boy Panget + Girl Panget = SUKOB! (horror movie sa Pinas)

Ama: Bakit ka umiiyak?
Anak: Pumasa po kasi ako sa test. Huhuhu!
Ama: Aba , magaling! Anong subject yun, anak?
Anak: Pregnancy test po itay!

Sa prusisyon.
Pari: Ang mga boys, sunod sa karo ni San Jose , mga girls, sa karo ni
Mama
Mary. Bakla: Kami father, saan kami susunod?
Pari: Mga bruha! Follow me!

Donya: Bilang bagong katulong, tandaan mo na ang almusal dito ay
ala-sais
empunto!
Maid: walang problema donya. Kung tulog pa ako sa oras na yun, mauna na
kayong mag almusal!

Pedro: Ang tapang talaga ni Paeng! Biro mo, tumalon sa eroplano nang
walang parachute!
Leo: Ohh, totoo? Saan mo naman nabalitaan yan?
Pedro: Dun sa burol nya!

Anak: Inay, ang galing ng titser ko.
Inay: Bakit naman?
Anak: Tinuruan kami ng kagandahang asal.
Nanay: Eh di marunong ka nang gumalang at magpo at opo?
Anak: Natural! Tanga ka ba?

Use "Bampira" in a sentence!
Ahmm, Dodong. Pautang naman, meron ka bampira?!

TUKMOL: Sino sa inyo ang matapang? Lumabas!
SIGA: Ako, matapang ako, bakit may problema ka?
TUKMOL: Wala po, survey lang ho. Ngayon, yung duwag naman ang lumabas!

Anak: Ma, hingi sana ako ng P50.
Nanay: P40? Ang laki naman ng P30! Anong gagawin mo sa P20? Akala mo
madaling kumita ng P10? O, eto P5.

Boy1: Bakit mo ako sinuntok?
Boy2: Tinawag mo akong hipopotamus!
Boy1: Last year pa yon! Tarantado!
Boy2: Eh kanina ko lang nakita ang picture ng hippopotamus, bobo!

May kwento ako tungkol sa lovelife ng ampalaya.
Huwag na lang! Masyadong mapait!

Alam kong sa tingin mo, masaya ako! Pero bakit kayo ganyan?! Sa tuwing
wala na kayong masabi, ako na lang ang ginagamit nyo! Pagod na pagod na
ako sa pagngiti! - Smiley.


Job interview

Boss: Why should we hire you?

Tikyo: Mas mabuti po ang bagong tulad ko dahil wala pang sungay.

Boss: English please.

Tikyo: Well, you see, uh, I'm brand new so I'm not yet horny!