Subject: BSP New currency series (from DenisJokeBook)
Date: Sun, 4 Feb 2001 23:13:27 -0600
Here's the new issue of P500 bills.
Note what it says: The Filipino is worth Dancing For.
And beneath the name of Erap, it says: Manloloko ng Pilipinas.
Subject: Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road.....to include Pinoy answers [DennisJokeBook]
QUESTION: WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
1.KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
2.ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
3.KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
4.SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion. We were justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
5.HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
6.DR. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
7.MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
8.FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
9.RICHARD NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
10. MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
11. SIGMUND FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
12. CHARLES DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected and evolved over time in such a way that they are now genetically endowed with the capabilities required to cross roads.
13. ALBERT EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. (Duh?!?)
14. ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
15. ERAP: Ang media ang may kasalanan diyan!
16. MIRIAM DEFENSOR-SANTIAGO : " Aha! I know it! That chicken crossed the road to provoke me. I move to permanently hold in contempt that chicken. I request for a restraining order, your honor, so that the chicken would not be able to cross the road again!"
17. RAMON REVILLA: "I concur, your honor. You see, may timbangan ako ng manok sa bahay. Doon ko nga nalaman na 96 grams ang 1000 na bills ng 1000 pesos to make 1 million pesos. See 96 grams? 96 grams talaga! Malapit yun sa isang kilo...eh sa 96 grams talaga eh...Pero huwag nyo akong tanungin kung ilang kilo ang manok na nagcross ng road. Eh, di ko nakilo eh. I guess, takot syang pakilo. Baka kulang sya ng 96 grams. In short, kulang sya ng isang kilo."
18. EMMA LIM: Para po uminom ng iced tea, your honor!
19. CHAVIT SINGSON: Eh, nililito nyo lang po ako, your honor. Di ko alam kung bakit nagcross yun ng road. Wala naman sa ledger ko kung bakit. Nililito nyo lang po ako. Nililito nyo lang po talaga ako.
20. CLARISSA OCAMPO: It crossed the road to go to the office of, I am sorry, Mr. Estelito Mendoza.
21. ESTELITO MENDOZA: Whether I will quit as a defense lawyer of the president or not, shall depend upon the decision of the president himself, not the crossing of the road by the chicken.
22. RAUL ROCO: It is a noble profession to be a chicken and to cross that road!
23. CHIEF JUSTICE HILARIO DAVIDE: Unless there is an objection, the chicken can cross that road.
TO: The Estrada Defense Counsels
CC: Miriam & Johnny
FR: Lucy
RE: The Impeachment Trial
Greetings of Darkness and Chaos!
THE FORTUN BROS.
Time surely flies when you're having so much fun here. It seemed like it was only yesterday when both of you were in law school. It pained me then that you guys were brimming with idealism, wanting only to join the law profession to do good and serve your fellow man in a lucrative way. Today, I am glad that the seeds of avarice that I have planted in your hearts have fermented and blinded you to your long forgotten ideals of truth, honor and justice.
RAUL DAZA
When God created Mr. Bean, I had requested him to create a splitting
image of the funny guy who shall carry on my work with all somberness. I am glad he acceded to my request.
ANDRES NARVASA
Andy, I am glad that you have finally come to the fold. You have at long last, atoned for your life of good works and integrity, particularly your role in the AGRAVA commission. My work in you is a wonderful example of my belief that "There is no one too old, too learned, or too wealthy to convince to join my cause. " The love of money is indeed the root of all things I hold dear.
ESTELITO MENDOZA
Titong, you are one person that I am particularly proud of. You are one person that I hold most dear because you embody everything I love about the legal profession. I have been watching your fantastic performance in the trial and I just love how your venom chokes the truth with the fangs of your legal mumbo-jumbo. I had received one of those TXT message about your nearing death and had almost dropped my pitchfork in excitement for your arrival. By the way, my buddy Ferdinand sends his best regards; he wishes to thank you for helping acquit his wife and his buddy Danding in their court cases. What would the Philippine legal profession be without your licentious legal luminance?
JOSE FLAMINIANO
See you soon.
MIRIAM DEFENSOR-SANTIAGO & JPE
I included you two on copy because I consider you part and parcel of the defense panel. I would like to offer my felicitations to you for continuing the advancement of evil in the trial. Continue to wave proudly the flag of ignominy and evil. Miriam, how I wish to embrace you whenever you stand up and declaim. I see a large part of myself in you whenever you get into your exorcist-like trance when you speak and splutter like you do. In fact,all you need is a forked tongue and I'll lend you my pitchfork and no one would be able to tell the difference. Don't worry, when you come over I shall permit you to yak for all eternity. Johnny, a million thanks for everything you did during Martial Law. Those were the days huh? I'm sorry that your wife has left you. She just couldn't stomach our evil ways, to heaven with her! Do continue badgering truthful witnesses like you did Clarissa; witnesses like her are an abomination to my throne of lies. You on the other hand have been my faithful agent all these years; except of course for that putrid People Power revolution that you helped mount. We both of course know that you did that for your own political survival. Next to Titong, you shall be "rewarded richly" when we finally meet face to face.
You're All Mine,
Lucy
1. On a wall in La Loma Street, a sign says "Huli ihi, putol ehem"
2. A PLDT sign reads: "SLOW MEN AT WORK"
3. Welcome to the Philippines - "The only Catholic Country in Asia" and directly underneath that sign: "BEWARE OF PICKPOCKETS".
4. Along a highway in Pampanga: "We Make Modern and Antique Furniture".
5. On a building in Cebu, Atty. Domingo Carriedo "Notary Public ,
Tumatanggap din ho ng labada tuwing Linggo".
6. A flower shop sign near U.P. Diliman: "Petal Attraction".
7. In a self-service restaurant in Cebu: "Please help our comfort room clean."
8. In a Baguio grocery: "Fresh Frozen Chicken Sold Here"
9. In Cubao: "None ID Nothing Entry."
10. In a parking lot: "Taxi and outside cars not allowed."
11. In a convent: "2nd Floor Upstairs"
12. At a construction Site: "Erection going on."
13. Office clinic in Sta. Cruz: "Dr. Sakin A. Morge, M.D."
14. Along Paco: "Mabuhay Funeral Parlor"
15. Along Luneta Boulevard: "BAWAL TUMAE SA BULEVARD"
16. On Jeepney and Bus signs: "Before pay, tell where get the on before get the off"
17. "Full string to stop driver."
18. "God knows Hudas not pay"
19. On a Flower shop in Rizal Avenue: "We sell artificial fresh flowers."
20. On a delivery truck: "NOT FOR HERE"
21. On Window of a restaurant in Baguio: "Wanted: Boy Waitress"
22. In Chinatown and Greenhills: "Le Cheng Tea House"
23. In a restaurant: "DETH'S EATERY"
24. On a street in San Juan: "Bawal magtapon ng binalot ng tae rito."
25. A grafitti inside the cubicle of a ladies' C.R. in a university "Please don't sit like a frog, sit like a queen."
26. At a men's comfort room, above a urinal - "Hawak mo ang kinabukasan ng bayan."
27. On a truck - "Kung nababasa mo to, panautot ako maaamoy mo."
28. Tag in Divisoria which says: Ponkan for sale at P5.00 per each."
29. At a construction site in Mandaluyong - "BAWAL OMEHI DITO. ANG MAHOLI BOG-BOG."
30. Sa may entrance ng St. Anthony School sa Singalong, " NO PARKING THE DRIVEWAY"
31. Vacant lot neat Makati Avenue: "DON'T PARKING."
32. At an eatry in Cebu: "we hab sopdrink in can and in BATOL"
1. PUNO (to Erap): Sori sir na late ako. Grabe ang brownout sa Makati, eh. 1 hr. kami sa elevator.
ERAP: Mas grabe ang brownout sa San Juan. 2 hrs kami ni Jinggoy sa escalator.
2. DOC: Due 2 ur health, u shud limit sex only on days dat start w/ letter T. do you know dem?
MANNY: Sure. Tuesday, Thursday. 2day, 2morw, Taturday and Tanday.
3. FLYASIAN SPIRTS. U fly as Asians, u land as spirits. He-he-he.
FLY CEBU PACIFIC, U depart from Cebu, you arrive at d Pacific Ocean. Bwa-ha-ha.
4. Ano ang pinakaayaw ng babae na mawala sa lalake?
ANS: PATITIWALA. Mantakin mo, ano ang buhay PAG TITI WALA?
5. I wrot ur name n d beach but the water blew it awy; I wrot ur name on the sand but the wind blew it away; I wrot ur name everywer, HAY NAKU HINULI AKO NG PULIS/Gud AM.
6. Hi may kakilala kba sa DPWH? Kung mron, pwede pki tnong nman: bakit ang FLYOVER hndi nagpafly; bakit ang higHway, hind HIGH at bakit ang Skyway hndi umaabot sa SKY?
SIGAW
Sigaw ni Marcos: "Mabuhay ang Pilipino"
Sigaw ni Cory: "Laban, Pilipino"
Sigaw ni Ramos: "Sulong, Pilipino"
Sigaw ni Erap: "Casino Pilipino"
